"It's as if a great bird lives inside the stone of our days and since no sculptor can free it, it has to wait for the elements to wear us down, till it is free to fly." Mark Nepo

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A New Light


Fragments of the dream follow me into waking. During that space of time when I'm not fully in either world, I feel the fear and urgency as though they need to be attended to in the daylight. While unsettling, the feelings and images are not new. This dream comes to me often.

It's always dark, nighttime, and I'm always searching for something, on my way somewhere, needing to meet a timeline, none of which I'm ever successful at. The circumstances shift from dream to dream. In this one I'm in danger and being hunted. The people who are after me want to hurt me, maybe even kill me, at the very least imprison me. I'm with a male companion who is trying to help hide me. We're outside, concealed in a hole in the ground, and then in the way of dreams, I'm suddenly standing alone in an empty field surrounded by the night, the sound of my own frightened heart and the distant voices of those who mean me harm.

Because the day was sunny and promised all the gifts of true spring, I shook off the dream. Frustrated at not ever quite understanding its message to me, and determined not to allow the darkness of it to dim the light of the rare day, I proceeded with my morning routine.

Sitting at my computer, reading my favorite daily message, the end of the dream flashed through my consciousness with all the illumination of a shooting star.

I'm standing in the darkness alone, and then I feel a presence that I know without doubt is God. Only this isn't the God of my childhood or many of the churches where I've sought him in my life.

I had the opportunity last week to share my story with an older woman. Of the many great questions she asked were, "What about God's love? Where was that? When in your life did you feel it?" And I realized that the most honest answer I could give her was that I'd never felt it. Because at a very young age I believed I'd ruined my chances to deserve anything but God's wrath and disappointment.

In the dream, for the first time, I feel the love of that presence. Without words it tells me that no matter what happens to me, even if those men catch me and hurt me, I will be okay. Nothing can happen to separate me from the protection and completeness of his love. I feel like I belong. I know the safety and protection from pain I've spent my life seeking are illusion, and that true safety, the exact rightness of my being in the larger scheme of things, has been there all along.

It's been two days. The new awareness persists. Evidence supports the new knowing. Yesterday Julie, who from time to time offers visions that come to her during a massage, saw this picture: An Indian woman standing on the edge of a canyon, a long loose braid hanging down her back, watches an eagle soaring in the updrafts close by. The feeling of the scene is one of freedom and peace and connection with all living things.

The curtains have shifted. New light shines in. The darkness will never again hold quite the same power.

26 comments:

Desiree said...

What a wonderful breakthrough and enlightening, reassuring insight for you to have experienced, Deb! The 'vision' your friend had reminds me a little of Oriah (Mountain Dreamer) of whom I'm sure you're familiar ;)

DJan said...

I have had many of those same dream sequences, Deb. And interestingly, I have also had dreams where I felt God's presence, unmistakeably. It is very reassuring, and I am so glad to hear that you have had the same experience! Blessings to you on Easter Sunday.

Kathryn Magendie said...

One such as you should never feel they would have a disappointed or angry god looking down upon them . . . but now I am glad you see that - how you are a beautiful and worthy spirit for all good things.

Wanda said...

Welcome to the Beloved.

Charlene: the Polarblogger said...

What a beautiful experience of self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment!
Yes, God's great love for us is manifest in natural creations and in the greatest gift that he has given to us: the ransom sacrifice of his Son, Jesus, in order for us to gain eternal life.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor governments nor things now here nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other creation will be able to separate us from God’s love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38,39
Best regards.

Edna said...

Dear Deb
I've been reading your post again. I am really impressed by your words, especially "I know the safety and protection from pain I've spent my life seeking are illusion, and that true safety, the exact rightness of my being in the larger scheme of things, has been there all along".
It's something I have to think about.
Have a good week

yaya said...

I'm so glad you have the peace and happiness you've been searching for. That is true freedom. Thanks for sharing such a spiritual moment for you. Happy Easter!

Pam said...

Those dark twilight worlds are strange places aren't they Deb, but much learning takes place there. Occassionally we retain the essence of what we have learnt when we wake up. So much is lost when we feel unworthy as I am sure we are meant to be such bright shiny vessels. Such an interesting post. I feel you to be a wise, loved person Deb, and wish you a very happy Easter Monday.

Stacy Crawford said...

Sometimes we feel unworthy of God's love, but He always loves us. The truth is He never stops. He is the best parent to have. An unconditional one.

Retired English Teacher said...

Deb, I am deeply touched by your dream and by your coming to a new understanding. As I read it, I also had the verses from Roman 8: 38, 39 jump into my head. I see that another reader had the same experience. These verses have resonated with me so much in last 11 months. This is the message of grace.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Interesting. My mom, brother and I were discussing recurrent dreams just today. I also share many similar feelings with you in this piece. Your breakthrough - a grand spiritual opening.

Need to read it again.

Katie Gates said...

That one gave me goosebumps!

Lavi said...

I'm quite familiar with the dreams when something ominous is about to happen. Feeling it right behind you.

Your revelation is beautiful and inspiring. I would also say don't beat yourself too much. To me, you seem like a wonderful person, full of love and care. Don't think you deserve any wrath for that.

Niki said...

great is His faithfulness...

Terri Tiffany said...

I love your thoughts. I think for me I feel God's love at different times but when I don't, I know it is because I am not searching for HIm and am caught up in my own junk:) Happens a lot:))

kario said...

Whew! Goosebumps cascaded down my arms when I read about your acknowledgement of love.

Something on Michelle O'Neil's blog struck me last week; it basically asked, "What would you do if you knew God loved you just as much as everyone else?" Wow.

I love the image of the woman watching the eagle soar. That will stay with me all day.

Love you.

Out of My Mind said...

Christ died, not only to take on the sins of the world, but to insure that we are never separated from God.

I do not believe that dreams are prophetic but simply a symptom of our stress, fears, concerns and/or desires.

Know that every true Christian is your brother and sister. And, through the Spirit of the Lord that dwells in us, we are ALL connected by that golden string of love that IS GOD!...........KT

Mark Lyons said...

Wow!! You can't know how much this story touched my heart. I think that the fact that you are always running (in the wrong direction as it turns out) in your dream is something that so many of us have found ourselves doing during our lifetime. And it always seems to lead us in the wrong direction and with an empty feeling when we find what we thought we were searching for. I'm glad that for the first time in your life you feel the love that God has for you as His daughter. I'm also thankful how God had His hand in leading you to that special woman...and the day the He gave us together when He did.

I love you
Mark

Amber said...

Amen.

Peace inside.

:)

Ann Best said...

A beautiful --and beautifully written--journey toward the Light. Thank you so much for sharing it, and for your always kind and encouraging comments on my blog. (I think God always sees our goodness first and our shortcomings second; always hoping we'll overcome the latter. And I have felt His help with that!)
Ann Best, Memoir Author

Sandi said...

Wow, Deb. I know that dream you describe, at least the nightmarish one of running away . . . from something or someone.
As I kept reading, I had to smile when you felt the protection of God's presence. Kind of reminded me of that quote we both like about grace.
Ironically, grace was part of the message on Easter Sunday (which I plan to write about soon!).
Anyway, feel the gift. I know it's there, for all of us. We just have to stop running away from it, right?
Love you!
Sandi

K.M. Weiland said...

Dreams are fascinating. Wouldn't it be incredible to know what they all meant? I often have dreams of responsibilities unfulfilled or people chasing me. I also had one about saving the world from aliens by spreading sour cream on the floor. Not sure what *that* says about my psyche! :p

Bernie said...

Dear Deb, Oh how happy I am that you experienced this wonderful revelation. I have not ever had a feeling like that and I would love to have it happen. At least, I don't think I have. I do know the Bible verses and I can recite them from memory, but I have often been beset with the feelings that I do not know how to love God. But I do know He has answered so many of my prayers so I know He does take care of me. But I still have so many questions. You are certainly loved by God. He didn't tell me that but I know it anyway for He loves us all but to show himself to you indicates you are special. At least in my opinion.

She Writes said...

I had a nightmare for many years that eventually lost its hold when I saw what it was rooted in.

Jessica Nelson said...

Oh my goodness!!! This is beautiful!!! YES, it is the Love of God that makes all the difference. I hope that you continue to feel it and begin to know Him. :-)

deborahjbarker said...

I am so glad you had the chance to talk about this dream. I cannot say I am religious nor can I say that I am not. All I know is that I have felt God's presence more than once in my life and always, it has helped me. Dreams are strange indeed.