"It's as if a great bird lives inside the stone of our days and since no sculptor can free it, it has to wait for the elements to wear us down, till it is free to fly." Mark Nepo

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Who Do You Think You Are?


The Shame Voice is loud right now.

"Who do you think you are? Always wanting more. Always thinking about yourself. Never satisfied with what you have."

It's a time of transition and I know Shame is nervous. The Voice is always loudest and most urgent when light threatens another dark corner of Shame's lair at my core.

 Survival is not enough. My heart longs for peace, joy, love. My soul demands that I step fully into the time that is my life. Now.

"Who do you think you are? You need me. I keep you safe. I have kept you safe all these years. You chose me. Without me, anything can happen. You will be hurt. You will be lost. You will make a huge mess of things."

I push hard against the membrane of Shame's safety. A baby bird pecking its way out of the egg. Needing to break through or suffocate. The shell no longer keeping me safe, but instead threatening my very existence.

"Who do you think you are? It's too late for you. You're old, tired, burned out. Stop grasping for the impossible and be grateful for what you already have. Life would be so much easier if you would just settle."

I have wings. I want to use them to explore the sky. I want them to carry me to the sun and beyond.

I have wings, Shame. I claim these wings and the being they are meant to lift.

 I am whole woman with a whole heart. I am perfect-for-her mother with a perfect-for-me daughter. I am teacher. I am friend. I am writer bursting with stories to share. I am all of my experiences. I am my dreams. I am love. I am loved.

I inhabit a strong healthy body that is ready to be borne on my new wings to grand new adventures.

I am my feelings. Rage at my helplessness to be heard. Love for innocence and adventure and undying hope. Sadness for the pain of those I love and for my own. Joy at the sight of a bald eagle soaring overhead on a random morning. Anger at betrayal. Peace under a star-spangled full-moon sky. Fear of the unknown. Excitement of the unknown.

I am all of this, Shame, and I am none of it. I am Light seeking my own kind. You are Darkness. I am ready to take the next step away from the safety of your black cellar and the comforting lies of your non-heart. 

I am a being who will not be caged with wings that will not be clipped.

 I am flight. I am the sky. I am the sun.

Photo by House of Gary Photography

11 comments:

Nancy said...

And you are exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for finding this voice.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

AMEN!

Bye-bye SHAME, and you too, GUILT, and FEAR, and all your loser friends!

There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is LOVE.

kario said...

You are! You are connected, loved, tethered to the sun and the wind and the light. You are able to see shame for what it is and call it out. It will be back, but the threads that hold you to the light and love will help you banish it again.

Love you.

M said...

As I read this tonight, my first thought was that Marv was back...but it wasn't. It was just the enemy. I'm glad that you recognize shame for what it is. And that you recognize the power of Light in your life to drive shame back into the darkness where he belongs.

Don't let the enemy tell convince you that you can't move on in your life if that's your dream. All of us who have been blessed by your words these past months will all shout out for you to dismiss this liar and follow your dreams.

Love

Jerri said...

"star-spangled full moon sky."

If that doesn't tell you who you are, what will?

You are a writer, my love. You are a wide open soul whose words ease hearts and tease minds. You are one who can lead the way and encourage others to follow.

You're the real deal, Deb. Believe it.

La La said...

Have you ever read the little book called THE BOOK OF QUALITIES by Ruth J. Gendler? She personifies all of these feelings, too. Shame, Fear, Anger, etc. But she also writes about Wisdom, too.

It's a charming book.

Love you.

And, I'm with Carrie, "bye-bye, Shame and friends!"

La La said...

Oh, I use that book with my students. They choose a quality and write their own personified version of it. Many of the ones my students have written are better than Gendler's.

Your kids are old enough to do it too. I've seen kids as young as third grade imitate Gendler's writing.

riversgrace said...

Very well said, Deb. No facade anywhere in sight. Thank you. Sets me straight.

Eileen said...

You are exactly where you need to be, at this time, living in the light. Your wings will never, ever be clipped again. There is no going back....ever. Your soul is soaring.
Love you.

La La said...

Miss you!

Terry Whitaker said...

truth in every word